January 8th, 2023

There’s a YouTuber out there who loves to make fun of the idea promoted in the Quiverfull / Evangelical / Fundamentalist world. That you as a woman owe sex upon demand to the man with whom you share last names and wedding rings. That as a wife it’s always your duty to drop everything and sexually service your husband like you’re working in the world’s weirdest brothel.

She called it being “Joyfully Unavailable” in counterpoint to the words of one Quiverfull cultural enforcer who labeled it being “Joyfully Available”. She even sells tee shirts with those words “Joyfully Unavailable” printed on the shirt.

According to the ideas of being “Joyfully Available” it does not matter what you are doing, if you are sick, in the early stages of post-partum, or busy making sandwiches. This is a weird side ramble of theology that reduces you to a convenience, like a sexual toaster or microwave.

Certain cultural enforcers promote the idea that all it takes is five minutes and lube. Plus smiling, you must pretend to joyous rapture no matter what circumstance or feeling. According to one lady he’s never to know you’re not having multiple orgasms. How this does not count as lying by deception I don’t know. Please don’t fake it.

When did this get clobbered onto Christianity? I don’t know the origin, because it’s not necessarily Biblical save some rather sensual scriptures in the Song of Solomon. It hit the mainstream world the same way some of the more out there things about Evangelical religion have, via a television show on The Learning Channel – “19 Kids & Counting”.

Michelle Duggar said in an article that anyone can make your husband a sandwich, but not everyone can fulfill that sexual need. So you’re supposed to happily acquiesce every single time he approaches you for sex. The unspoken part is that this keeps your husband from straying. Sadly, it does nothing to stop that if Michelle Duggar’s own son Josh is anything to measure by.

If my ex partner is anything to go by then this just does not work. He was getting sandwiches made all over the place, extra meat, special fillings, different spices. That’s why he’s my ex. He was never denied, but it still wasn’t enough for his rapacious appetite.

I look at my former church, where I knew at least 15% of the members had strayed on their spouses. Most I would venture to say were likely not denying their spouse marital relations just based upon talk at some conferences we ladies attended. Still not the answer. It didn’t stop the infidelities.

The “Joyously Unavailable” lady does not have the answer either. While it’s great (and quite reasonable) to beg off from sex when you’re sick, or actually for any, or even no reason, it’s not a great policy to be ‘unavailable’ most or all of the time. Marriages fail quickly when there’s not enough physical intimacy. Sexual intimacy binds us even closer through emotional intimacy, and marriages devoid of both of those elements tend to be frustrated fruitless unions that end up in either misery or a miserable divorce.

Neither answer is great, mainly because neither answer takes into account the variations and variables of life. What do I mean? Right now as I write this here in Guanacaste, Costa Rica we’re at the very beginning of ‘dry season’, a time when nary a drop of rain falls, usually from mid December through April. I love this season because I get to start hanging my clothing and bedding outside so they can pick up that wonderful dried in the sun smell. It’s a season. Just like weather does so do marriages have seasons. There may not be frequent relations going on in many of these seasons, such as the birth of a child, or illness. Perhaps someone has a promotion at work, and their workload has increased. That’s genuinely fine most of the time, or at least in unions where both partners realize this is merely a season.

The good news is that seasons work both ways, and while there will be dry seasons there will also be the reverse, a time of plenty. It’s an important thing to realize while walking through a fallow dry season to remember a different time is coming. Seasons don’t last forever, only for a time.

Let’s face it, marriage itself isn’t an endless sunny day holding hands skipping through fields of flowers. I think that’s one of the big lies that the church, and yes, society, feeds to people through literature, rom-com movies and the hagiography. People hit a rough patch, forget it’s not forever and that they pledged their love through good times and, oh this one is no fun, hard times. Hard times come, don’t let that surprise you! Those that don’t run away to divorce, hanging on, working through the tough times frequently find something wonderful they never imagine on the other side.

So how do we get there with the question of intimacy? What is the answer is honest communication with each other. Compromise, faithful listening to concerns and problems. Sometimes marriage counseling even. Whatever it takes.

Also, I think mercy and kindness have a place at the table. During my years at my old Evangelical / Fundamentalist church I had a close friend who was constantly upset that her husband did not make love to her. I never could get her to see that her requirements of him were a problem. She was insisting that the intimacy could only take place if he said and did certain things, if he was a manly pile of masculinity enough. He wasn’t always capable of reading her mind, she refused to tell him was the magical romance formula was, so both of them struggled with emotional intimacy and everything else in the marriage. She wasn’t able to be kind or merciful to her husband, and he was unable to do anything right, or to be that type of loving that made her feel loved. A tragedy all the way around.

A great resource to start if you struggle with intimacy is with Sheila Wray Gregoire’s book “The Great Sex Rescue” It’s so important to understand your own sexuality and come to a consensus with your husband or wife, the person you might experience your deepest intimacies with, to decide what a happy and satisfying sex life looks like.

Like so many things in life we’re so much better off walking the middle way. Graciously granting and receiving favor from each other without depriving, or being a walking Real Doll.